My Christmas Eves are different now. When he was still very young, two guys in suits, and a woman in a robe decided that my son should be with others on Christmas Eve. He would be with me on Christmas Day. So it goes. In the eyes of the court, it often boils down to math. So I will get ready tonight, like every year, for Finn to be with me tomorrow. I have a tree, and Santa has already been here ( I got socks, again.) I also have favorite snacks stocked and his most comfortable "lounge wear" is clean, folded, and waiting on his bed. Tomorrow morning, after not sleeping much, I will head out to the East Side to pick my son up. I am saddened that he doesn't wake up on Christmas morning with his father near him. Instead, there's a live in boyfriend. Again, so it goes. Sometimes I wonder if I have failed him in some way, not being there at times that a father should be, but I really don't think so. My father says,"You play the cards you are dealt." And I'm playing as hard and as well as I can. No one loves anyone more than I love Finn.
My Christmas Eves are different now, but I still love them. The opportunity to ponder and reflect on things. The chance to put things into perspective. The willingness to humble oneself as a small part of a much greater thing. And perhaps the promise to do better and be better, if even just a little. But I love Christmas morning more. That's when Finn's dad gets his gift. It's just one gift, and it's the same every year, though the size changes. It's usually wrapped in a hoody and a head of unbrushed hair and Santa doesn't bring it, I have to go get it.
It's the best gift of all.
Merry Christmas.
1 comment:
Fantastic! you have a blog. . As I would say to one of my students. Why black background?
Post a Comment